


Whatever It Takes

by Writinginstardust



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Fluff, I cried writing some of this, Nikolai has a younger sister, Parem, Self-Sacrifice, also kind of a fix-it for Isaak's death, oh yeah. it's bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 07:32:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18686953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writinginstardust/pseuds/Writinginstardust
Summary: Being a Princess and falling in love with a guard is a bad idea.





	Whatever It Takes

**Author's Note:**

> Fun Fact: the temporary title for this was Isaak Angstdreyev and I'm telling everyone because I did something clever.

When Nikolai first assigned Isaak as one of my personal guards a few years ago I never imagined we'd end up here. He should have just been one more face in the sea of people I saw daily but he caught my attention from the moment I met him standing guard outside my bedroom. He was cute. Quiet and unassuming for the most part. Younger than I'd expected. I didn't usually take note of the details but something about the way his hair fought the neat style he'd been going for to curl at his neck and behind his ears had me momentarily entranced.

_ "Ah, (Y/N), allow me to introduce your newest guard, Captain Andreyev. Your brother chose him specially, he thinks you'll get along well," Garik, another of my guards, said as he saw me standing in the doorway. _

_ "Does he now? Tell me Captain, do you like to have fun?  _ Real  _ fun." A hesitant nod. "You like reading?" A more confident nod. "Nikolai assign you rather than vasily?" Another nod. "Excellent. I'd have to have you re-assigned otherwise." He looked startled and I grinned. _

_ "Something you should learn quickly, Andreyev, don't take much of what she says seriously." _

_ "Excuse me, Garik, that's your princess you're talking about," I sassed. _

_ "I apologise, please forgive me  _ Princess _." He smirked as I physically cringed. _

_ "Okay I brought that one on myself, don't do that again." I turned back to Isaak. "Second thing you should learn, I'm not a fan of titles. Too stuffy and I like to think we're all the same at the core. So,  _ Captain _ , do you have a first name I can call you instead?" _

_ He still seemed thoroughly confused by how the morning had turned out for him but he looked happier about it than most that got assigned to me. "Isaak, ...your highness, ...my name's Isaak." _

_ "What did I say about titles, Isaak?" I teased. "From now on it's just (Y/N), Okay?" _

_ "Yes, your highne-(Y/N). Sorry, I'll get better at that." I studied him for a moment with a smile. _

_ "I like you, I think Nikolai was right. ...Don't ever tell him I said that, I'll never hear the end of it." I looked over to Garik. "I mean it. I'll have your head before I give him a reason to be smug." I felt Isaak tense beside me and couldn't hold back a chuckle as I addressed him again. "I'm kidding...mostly. You'll get used to it eventually, right Garik?" _

_ "She's lying, run while you still can." _

_ "Stop it, you'll scare him off. Honestly Isaak, you have nothing to worry about. Nikolai gave you the best job in the palace. I'm, as my parents put it, 'Too laid back for my own good' but that's their fault for having me last. I mean what's the point in learning how to run the country when I never will? Anyway, we have fun, you'll see." _

_ They escorted me to breakfast and then I spent the rest of the day in the library, very definitely not avoiding the tutor who's work I hadn't bothered to do. By the end of the day Isaak finally seemed to feel at ease and even started to appreciate my particular sense of humour.  _

_ He was kind and sweet and very funny when he was comfortable and relaxed and I found myself really enjoying his company. I hoped he'd stick around, if only so I could see his crooked smile again. _

_ "Saints it's late!" I exclaimed after glancing at the clock. "I'm so sorry, you can go and sleep. From now on you have my permission to tell me to shut up whenever you need. You don't have to listen to me prattle on for hours, it's not in your job description." He chuckled and the sound was possibly the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I wanted to make it happen again. A lot. _

_ "No need, I enjoy listening to you talk. You're a very interesting person." He smiled shyly and I felt my cheeks heat slightly at the compliment. _

_ "Thank you. I recommend you do stop me on occasion though, for your own good." _

_ "I'll keep it in mind. Until tomorrow." He bowed. _

_ "No bowing!" I scolded but a laugh interrupted it as Isaak lifted his head and I saw the cheeky grin plastered on his face. "Saints, Garik's already rubbed off on you. There really is no hope." He chuckled again and I mentally cheered. _

_ "Goodnight (Y/N), sleep well." _

_ "Good night Isaak." _

 

It was two years full of repressed feelings, late night talks, and silent but companionable afternoons reading before anything happened between us. True to form, it was more than a little unorthodox. 

Isaak had been injured protecting me during the Darkling's attack on the palace and when he'd finally awoken at the Spinning Wheel I hadn't even hesitated to kiss him.

_ "If I knew all I had to do to get you to kiss me was almost die, I'd have done it a long time ago." He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back as I sat back and entangled our fingers. _

_ "You know you could have just done it yourself whenever you wanted." _

_ "Considering boys like me aren't supposed to be with girls like you, I don't think I could have." _

_ "You should know better than most that I'm just another girl. A normal girl who fell in love with a normal boy. A title can't change that." _

_ "I know you don't care about that stuff but your title makes you second in line to rule. You may not like it and neither do I but there's things people expect from you." _

_ "What if I don't want this life though?" I practically whispered. "What if I want to make my own choices? What if I want to choose you?" _

_ "(Y/N)..." _

_ "This life ruins everything. It's full of war and hard decisions, it takes away your freedom to be who you're meant to be, and eventually it kills you. Like it killed Vasily." It was silent for a moment. I'd never told anyone about the way I felt and I was worried it might change things. Who was I to complain? I'd had everything but here I was unsatisfied with life. It probably seemed beyond selfish to someone like Isaak who had lived with so very little. "I'm sorry, I-" _

_ "It's okay, you're allowed to be unhappy. ...Do you want to talk about him? ...about what happened?" _

_ "I...I don't know... I was never as close to Vasily as I am to Nikolai but...he was still my brother  and I loved him." I felt my eyes start to water and tried to wipe away the tears before they could fall. "He was foolish and kind of an asshole sometimes but he didn't deserve to die like that. I miss him…" The last part was barely louder than a breath and I couldn't keep back the tears any longer.  _

Isaak had held me while I cried and done so again and again whenever I'd needed him. 

By some miracle we survived the war and, without the looming threat to our lives and our country, decided to give a relationship a proper chance. It was everything I'd wanted and more. All my firsts were his and it wasn't long before I knew I wanted all my lasts to be as well. Everything was great until Nikolai disappeared. 

We'd had to put his contingency plan in action and Isaak had been far too willing to step up.

_ "Face it, I'm the best option. I know Nikolai well enough now and I've got you to help." He said when we all met to discuss options. _

_ "I still don't think it's going to work. Can we not explain his absence another way?" I countered _

_ "Not without both Nikolai and Ravka seeming vulnerable." Tamar pointed out. "You could probably handle a lot of the important state matters but it won't be enough. I think Isaak is our best bet." _

_ "It's not ideal to be doing this on so little preparation but he's right. He knows Nikolai enough and you can keep an eye on him easily. With you his sister, no one will question it." Genya made a good point. If he wasn't completely alone we might be able to pull it off. _

_ "Alright, let's do it then." _

_ "I won't let you down," Isaak promised. "When do we start?" _

_ "Now." "Tomorrow." Tamar and I said at the same time. _

_ "Isn't it better to start sooner?" She asked. _

_ "Well...yes. But he's going to start looking like my brother soon and there's no way I can kiss him or anything when he's like that. Give me one more day with him, it won't hurt." _

_ "Okay, we'll get started in the morning then. You two enjoy your last bit of time together." Genya grinned, waggling her eyebrows suggestively, and I felt my cheeks heat in response. _

_ "What she said." Tamar agreed. "Just keep it quiet, I don't need to hear it." _

_ "...And on that note, we'll be going now. See you all tomorrow." I took Isaak's hand and pulled him out of the room. "Well that was embarrassing." _

_ "Thought you'd be used to it by now." _

_ "So did I. You're sure you want to do this?" _

_ "I'm sure. If it helps you and Nikolai, I'll do anything." _

_ "You're amazing you know."  _

_ "So you keep telling me." He grinned. _

_ "Only because it's true. Now come here." I reached up to slide my arms around his neck and pull him into a kiss. He returned it eagerly as his hands came to rest on my waist. I ran my tongue over his bottom lip and he instinctively opened his mouth to me, deepening the kiss and moving to pull me closer.  _

_ A throat being cleared close by had us jumping away from each other to find Tamar standing there. _

_ "I know I said I don't need to hear it but I didn't think I had to specify that I also don't need to see it." She raised a brow at us. "Get a room. Preferably before you cause a scene." And she walked away without another word. _

_ "She makes a good point. The room I had here is unoccupied and much closer than the palace," I suggested.  _

_ "Lead the way then." _

 

The next few weeks were a whirlwind and I was barely able to catch a break between teaching Isaak and helping run the country, and then parties and meetings and girls who wouldn't stop asking me about my brother. But finally it was coming to an end. All our guests would be leaving soon and I could finally get at least a little peace and quiet. There was just one more thing to handle first. Princess Ehri.

She'd been the focus of a lot of our attention since she'd arrived. Tamar had wanted to figure out if one of her guards would defect so we'd found excuses for Isaak to spend time with her and get close. He thought she might know something and be persuaded to tell...if they were alone. Which was why at Isaak's covert signal I'd slipped away from the party and followed them here.

I watched closely from a spot in the bushes and prayed Isaak wasn't wrong about her. It was a risk but when he'd told me what he intended to do I hadn't been able to deny how much like Nikolai it would be. So we'd gone ahead with it. Without any protection. 

It was hard to watch the two of them so close together, made my stomach churn unpleasantly. Even though he looked like my brother I still  _ knew _ it was him and I wasn't afraid to admit that seeing him with another girl made me jealous.

I heard rustling beside me and turned to find Nikolai, the real Nikolai, crouching there.

"Hi trouble." 

"Nikolai... _ saints. _ ..you're back, you're  _ alive _ ." I threw my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder, tears starting to fall from my eyes.

"Oh sweetheart don't cry." He squeezed me back tightly and I felt like I could finally breathe again. "You're going to ruin my shirt."

"You ass," I mumbled, the edge of anger in my voice getting lost in the fabric of his shirt. "You stupid, reckless, irresponsible, mad, pirating,  _ ass! _ "

"I'm happy to see you too. But what exactly are you doing hiding in the bushes?" We finally let go of each other and I was pleased to notice I hadn't been the only one crying.

"Keeping an eye on Isaak." I pointed at the window and watched Nikolai's eyes widen comically is he caught sight of his doppelganger.

"You actually tried that insane plan?"

"We did and it worked like a charm thanks to me." I grinned.

"You know me too well dearest sister, I'm going to have to start keeping secrets." He poked my side and I rolled my eyes as I batted his hand away. "I thought we decided not to use Isaak since you two got together though? It's a dangerous job and I didn't want to risk him."

"I know. He volunteered though and he had the best chance at pulling it off." I'd loathed the thought of having the man I loved put in this position. It had been bad enough knowing my brother's life was in constant danger all our lives, but losing him and putting Isaak at risk as well was painful. Yet another sacrifice I had to make for being born royal.

"Self-sacrificing idiots, the pair of you." Nikolai shook his head fondly.

"That's rich coming from you."

"I am a King, darling, it's my job."

"Is not. Speaking of, did you manage to do it." He knew what I meant without me clarifying, and nodded.

"It's fine, we can talk about it all later-saints, is that a knife!?" I whipped my head round to find Ehri standing  _ way _ too close to Isaak, a dagger held behind her back. I stood and raced round to the doors but before I could get them open she plunged the dagger into his heart and then turned it on herself. I screamed out as I finally resorted to smashing the glass door when it wouldn't budge.

I scrambled through, cutting myself on the shards that lay around me without feeling the sting. I had to get to Isaak, I had to heal him before it was too late. That was all that mattered.

I dropped to my knees beside him, a hand instinctively going to his chest to start the healing process. It was sticky with blood already and I could feel more and more pouring out every second.

"Isaak, hey, can you hear me? You still with me?" I asked as softly as I could through the tears and sobs that were starting to take over my body. He opened his eyes and looked up at me with a sad smile, somehow finding my free hand and entwining our fingers.

"(Y/N)?"

"I'm here. It's going to be okay, I'm going to make it okay." Even as I said it I wasn't sure it was true. The wound was healing but not fast enough, he was losing too much blood and I couldn't replace it and fix the hole in his chest at the same time.

"I guess I was wrong about her." He said.

"Shhh, don't talk." I dimly registered the sound of doors being thrown open and several sets of footsteps skidding to a halt not far away but then Isaak coughed and I tuned it out. Specks of blood flew from his lips and I felt my heart sink. The vial of Parem I always kept on me sat heavy in my pocket and my fingers twitched with the need to grab it. It was my last hope. The drug could do incredible things and maybe it still wouldn't be enough and maybe it would kill me in the process but Isaak was getting worse and it was my only option. Without it I wasn't going to be able to save him.

He coughed again and there was more blood, staining his lips and trickling from the corners of his mouth. I made up my mind.

"I can't...It's not working," I sobbed.

"'S okay. I love you (Y/N), so much."

"I'm sorry Isaak."

"Don't be sorry, you did what you could. I'm not afraid to die." He smiled weakly and reached up a trembling hand to brush away my tears with his thumb.

"No, you're not going to die, that's not why I'm sorry… Im sorry about what I'm going to do to save you."

"(Y/N)...?"

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small vial of powder, unscrewing it with shaking hands. I was terrified, this might well kill me but I had to try. I couldn't lose Isaak.

"No…" the protest came out as weak as he was but the panic in his eyes was strong and the others noticed.

"I have to."

"(Y/N), what are you doing?" Nikolai took a step towards me and his eyes caught on the vial in my hand. He darted forward and grabbed my wrist before I could take the Parem. "Don't you dare," he yelled. "I won't let you take that."

"It's the only way to save him," I shot back, trying to wrestle my hand from his grasp. I didn't have long before it would be too late.

"(Y/N) you can't, it could kill you," he tried to reason.

"I don't care! I can't heal him like this, I'm not strong enough, but I can do it with Parem."

"I can't let you risk your life." His voice was softer now and I could see the pain in his eyes. I knew I was hurting him and it wasn't fair but I had to do it.

"And I can't let him die. I'm sorry Nikolai." I finally yanked my hand back and swallowed the powder before anyone could stop me.

I could feel myself getting stronger every moment as the Parem flooded my system, everything was more intense, more focused, stronger. I could feel everything. The blood pumping through my friends' veins, the cells multiplying in my body, ...the near lifelessness of Isaak. Every new sensation and detail was a wonder, it felt incredible. Then came a feeling of impending death and I knew where it originated. 

I pulled my focus from everything around me and instead set it on Isaak. With barely a thought and in the blink of an eye his wound had closed and he began to take deep, even breaths again. His eyes flickered open as I manipulated his body into replenishing his blood supply, the colour rapidly returning to his face. I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt how very alive and okay he was.

Isaak's hands flew up to his chest as he sat up and his wide eyes flicked over to me when he felt no wound. I smiled and took his hand, my other reaching up to cup his face. It had worked, it had really worked.

"(Y/N)...No...You shouldn't have." He had tears in his eyes, fully-conscious mind registering  what I'd done.

"There was no other way." More tears, happy ones this time, slid down my face. "I couldn't watch you die."

"You had better survive this stuff then because  _ I _ can't watch  _ you _ die." He pressed a kiss to my palm. "Can you heal her?" He nodded towards Ehri. "We might need her." 

I didn't want to, not after she'd almost taken Isaak from me but I did. It was so easy. Nikolai ordered Tolya to bring her to the infirmary and keep an eye on her before coming to kneel beside me. He did not look happy.

"You are in so much trouble when you recover from this. So. Much. Trouble." He looked over to Isaak. "I'm glad you're okay. That was a stupid risk you two took tonight though...clearly you're far too good at being me."

"He is, it's rather disconcerting at times." I grinned but it slipped from my face very quickly as i felt the effects of the drug begin to wane.

"Uh-oh…"

"(Y/N)?" Nikolai placed a hand on my cheek and turned my head to make me meet his concerned eyes. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

"It's fading." I whispered, feeling weaker by the second. Isaak's hand clenched around my own and both he and Nikolai sucked in a breath. We all knew what came next wasn't going to be pretty.

"Listen to me." Isaak's voice was remarkably steady but I could feel his heartbeat and knew it was all show. "You're strong, you can fight it. Nina beat it and so can you. Don't give up." His thumb started rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. "I know it's going to be hard and it's going to hurt but we believe in you, you can get through it." I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay… you're right...I can do this." Then a thought hit me. "I've got an idea."

Rather than explain I got right to it, I hadn't taken much in the hope it would be easier to recover and I didn't have much time left. I could feel the Parem inside me just as I could feel each cell in my body. I focused on the lingering Parem particles and made my body attack. I knew I'd never get it all but I could try. That was only half the problem though. I could feel the damage the drug had done, how it had altered the chemistry of my mind and body. Injuries like any other. I healed them. ...Well as best I could when having to use the very thing that caused them in the first place.

Finally there was no more I could do. Hopefully I'd given myself a fighting chance but I couldn't be sure. As I felt myself crashing down from the high I ceased my efforts and opened my eyes to gaze into Isaak's for what could be the last time. 

"I love you," I said, squeezing his hand in promise. I'd fight. Fight it for him and come back. This wasn't a goodbye. 

He opened his mouth to say it back but I collapsed before he could. Darkness and pain engulfed me and the despair they wrought made me want to give up immediately, anything to make it and. But I held tight to the thought of Isaak waiting for me and the silent promise I made. I would face anything to get back to him and be in his arms once more.  _ Fight it _ he'd said, so I fought.

 

A long while later - what I soon found out had been a week - the fight was finally over. I woke to blinding light and silence but I didn't wake alone. When my body at last felt like my own again and my eyes had adjusted to the soft morning? evening? light I registered two sleeping forms weighing down my bed and trapping my hands. 

At some point while the healers and heartrenders had me knocked out, Isaak had been made to look himself again. His curly brown hair was a mess and I longed to run my hand through it again. My fingers twitched against his cheek with the need and I felt Isaak begin to stir at the movement. He lifted his head and our eyes locked.  _ His _ eyes this time, not my brother's. Saints I'd missed those eyes.

"Well you look terrible," I teased. It was a blatant lie. After weeks of seeing him with Nikolai's face and watching him almost die in front of me, nothing was sweeter than the sight of him alive and himself again.

"I did almost die you know," he grumbled sleepily but couldn't keep a smile off his face.

"That's old news and I almost died right after." 

"Yes, and you are in a whole world of trouble for that." I hadn't noticed Nikolai wake up on my other side but at his words I cringed and turned to look at him. He looked awful as well. 

"In my defence I didn't actually die...so maybe don't be mad at me?"

"Actually you did. ...(Y/N) do you realise the absolute hell you put us both through this past week? Your heart stopped twice and both times I thought they weren't going to be able to get you back, that I was going to have to watch my baby sister die right in front of me and not be able to do anything to save you. Do you understand how hard that is?" Nikolai had tears in his eyes and the pain of seeing him so undone, having been the one that caused it, gnawed away at my heart.

"I do understand," I said quietly. "It's exactly how I felt when Isaak was dying." I took a steadying breath and squeezed both their hands. This much emotion so soon after waking up was difficult to cope with. 

"I know what I did was a stupid risk and you can both lecture me as much as you like about it but let me ask you something first. It might help you understand. Now, I have no idea just how bad I was but you both look like wrecks so it must have been a bit of a horror show. If you'd had the chance to make it better, to stop the pain and help me, would you have done whatever it took?" As I suspected they both nodded without even a moment's hesitation. "Then you can't blame me for doing what I did. I'd do anything, sacrifice  _ everything _ , to save either one of you. There was nothing you could do for me but there was something  _ I  _ could do for Isaak and I won't ever regret taking that risk. It was worth it." Both of them had started crying and I tugged on their hands to bring them into a hug. "I'm sorry I scared you," I whispered through my own tears.

"We forgive you," Isaak breathed into my shoulder. "Just never,  _ ever  _ do anything like that again."

"I promise." I let them go and they both took seats on the edge of my bed. "So what have I missed? And what  _ happened  _ to you?"

"A lot," Nikolai said simply. "I'll get you caught up later but you should probably know that I'll be marrying Princess Ehri."

"What!? She tried to kill Isaak! ...Or you I guess."

"Not her actually, that was one of the Tavgharad, Mayu."

"That makes a lot of sense actually. I can't believe you're really getting married though."

"Neither can I but we all have to do what's necessary." He paused and the smirk I knew to fear spread across his face. "Speaking of marriage...I expect you two to finally stop putting it off. If almost dying for each other isn't enough to commit then I don't know what is."

"Is that really possible though? I mean, (Y/N)'s a beloved Princess and I'm just a guard." There was so much hope in Isaak's eyes and I could only hope that wouldn't be shattered.

"Also technically he didn't almost die for me, he did that for you. Maybe you should marry him."

"Maybe, we'd make a very attractive a couple." He eyed Isaak jokingly and I poked his chest hard.

"Hands of, I got there first."

"Fine. But I don't think anyone can object to a man who laid down his life for his King. Isaak is a hero and I do believe the Princesses in the stories marry the heroes."

"You're serious?" Nikolai nodded with a grin. "Thank you!"

"There's nothing to thank me for. All I want is for you to be happy and Isaak makes you happy. I'll be damned if something as ridiculous as the circumstances of your births takes that away from you."

"You are the best brother ever."

"I know." He turned to Isaak. "You know you're already like a brother to me now but I'm still warning you. Don't ever do something stupid and dangerous like that again. If you get hurt, that hurts (Y/N) and I refuse to let anything else hurt her again. Understand?"

"Of course."

"Speaking of hurting, everything's okay with your wound right?" I asked Isaak.

"It's fine, I've never felt better actually. You did good, didn't even leave a scar."

"Really?" I couldn't quite believe it somehow and pulled down the collar of his shirt to check. Nothing. Not a mark marred his skin. My fingers idly traced where the dagger had pierced but I could feel as little as I could see. There really was no sign anything had even happened.

"I feel like I shouldn't be seeing this," Nikolai said, averting his eyes.

"Leave then," I said not even bothering to look over at him. And when I pulled Isaak down into a kiss, he did.

I'd missed this. The soft press of Isaak's mouth against mine, the safety I felt wrapped in his arms, the utter surety of every touch. Everything silently saying  _ I love you, I'll never stop loving you. _ And I'd never stop loving him either. If I had to die a thousand times to keep him beside me it would never be too much.


End file.
